birth plan and stuff

Midwife came to discuss my birth plan and what to expect during labour and stuff today. I've been freaking out about everything recently and today just made me freak out a lot more. I'm still undecided on pretty much everything. So far, all I'm really sure about is the fact that I'd rather not give birth! The midwife had a fake boob though, so it was slightly amusing.

I really don't like the thought of breastfeeding, but I want what is best for the baby. I was totally undecided about how I want to feed the baby, but after a lot of pondering today I think I've come to a semi-decision! I think I'm going to use one of those breast pump things to get milk out of me and feed that milk to the baby from a bottle for the first week or so (or maybe a bit longer if that seems to be going well) and then switch to normal bottle feeding... That way he'll get all the antibodies and stuff from the boob juice, but I wont have to actually have a baby sucking on my nipples. Also, the transition from nipple to bottle will be easier for him because he wont have had time to get used to sucking on a nipple anyway! I'm not sure whether what I plan on doing counts as breast feeding or bottle feeding as it's breast milk from a bottle lol! Heh, the midwife was telling me shizz about breastfeeding today and she had two really creepy looking dolls and a fake boob. It was hilarious.
Interesting fact of the day: If you put a newborn baby on your chest, they'll kind of crawl to the boob on their own... How clever! Apparently they can smell the milk or something.
That must be true because the midwife told me!

I'm undecided on pain relief. Not one type of pain relief sounds appealing when taking into consideration the side effects and what it does to your body. I don't like the idea of my legs being all numb and unusable... I'm pretty sure I'll try to avoid an epidural under any circumstances. I don't want to feel out of control or anything either. I think I'm just going to try gas and air and if that isn't good enough, I'll just have something stronger. Even gas and air sounds unappealing, but meep... I'm guessing it'll be better than having no pain relief! If only I could get absolutely wasted in my own way during labour... XD

They prefer you to stay in hospital over night if it's your first baby... but there is a thing where you can go home after 6 hours if everything goes ok. Unless there's a good reason to stay overnight (like if there was something wrong with me or the baby) I am going to refuse to stay there for more than about 6 hours. I hate hospitals. On Saturday the midwife is going to meet me in the hospital and show me the labour ward. I don't particularly want to see it, but apparently it's a good idea. =/

I'm going to make a CD to listen to when I'm in labour and stuff. I'd just take a few CDs with me, but I'd be worried about what songs might come on. I certainly don't want the squigglytiddlypeep to be born to a song about fucking a dog, disembowelment or something equally unsuitable! I'm going to have to ponder a lot over what songs I want to use.

I got given a dvd to watch... I'm not sure whether I want to watch it as I dread to think about what could be on it! Maybe I should get someone else to watch it before me to tell me exactly what it shows... Or maybe I'll just be brave!

Erk... out of all the things to do with giving birth there are to worry about, the one that bothers me most is people seeing my fanny and stuff. I know... it sounds stupid! I'm also worried about pooing. Apparently it's quite rare to poo whilst having a baby, but it happens... and even though they're discreet about it, it would be fucking embarrassing! On top of the embarrassing things, I'm obviously worried that something bad will happen to either me or the baby... but gosh, most people say that you're too much in pain and wanting to get the baby out to be embarrassed about people seeing that area, but I know that no matter how much pain I'm in, I'm gonna be totally mortified!

Labour is a looonnngggg process. I wish it could just last a few minutes or something. It doesn't sound nice at all, but I suppose I'll have to come to terms with the fact that I have no choice about it happening! I hope they don't have to induce me or anything. They wont let me go more than 10 days over the due date, so fingers crossed he comes before October 29th!

People keep nagging me to get my hospital bag packed. I don't even have a bag to put things in yet! I think I'm going to go shopping today or tomorrow to get stuff I need.

Anyhow... I'm gonna go watch a dvd or something. I've been so tired and lazy in the last couple of days and I don't know why because I've been making an effort to take my iron tablets and I've had hoobloads of rest. I'm also getting a really dull ache in the bottom of my back occasionally. It's different to the backache I've been getting for months... maybe it's a sign the baby is going to come soon. I've been told he could come at any time now that I'm 37 weeks pregnant... It's slightly unnerving! XD

WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION!

Oh my fucking god. This is absolutely mortifying to write about... but I will anyway, because it's pregnancy related and I need something to write about. Sorry if it's wayyy too much information, but it has to be documented! I need to start being more open about things like this because in like 8 weeks, I'm going to have a human coming out of my vagina and need to have no shame about anything by them! XD

I think my boobs have started leaking.

I was sitting here earlier and noticed a tiny wet spot on my top in my boobular area. I had a degu on my shoulder at the time, so I thought I'd probably been pissed on a bit or something. After further investigation, I realised that the spot of wetness was more damp on the inside of my top than the outside. Then it hit me like a double decker bus - it was probably coming from my boob.

I decided to do some more investigating. So I went and had a look. There was a teeny-tiny drop of wetness on my nipple... and there's this kinda dry opaque shizz that I've been noticing occasionally for the last week or so, but I thought that was just some kind of weird skin thing caused by my bra getting too small and rubbing a bit or something... Now I'm convinced I've been leaking colostrum or whatever it's called. I've googled about this shizz, and it definitely appears that I'm leaking a little... Not enough for it to be problematic or obvious to other people, but this is still rather embarrassing lol!

It's not fair- I don't even need this to happen as I probably wont even breastfeed (although I still haven't completelymade up my mind about that). I refuse to get some of those breast pad things though. It's really not enough leakage for me to need those. I know it'll probably get worse over the next few weeks and after the baby is born, but for now... I'd like to pretend I have normal person boobies! XD

I feel so uncool! >.< but it's always fun to LOL @ yourself, right?