The 69 worst things about pregnancy!

I finally re-made the list. I can't fuck up posting it this time, because I've saved it onto my computer...

Enjoy!


1. STRETCHMARKS!!! EVERYWHERE!!! I look like a fucking zebra!

2. Heartburn... I no longer notice how gross gaviscon tastes- it’s now like my best friend!

3. People touching the bump without permission.

4. Not being able to get drunk... I’ve been 18 for ages and still haven’t been legally wasted!

5. Not being able to smoke.

6. Not being allowed to get tattooed... One of my tats seriously needs touching up and I have to wait!

7. Not being allowed to get pierced... I love getting piercings! >.<>.<

8. 1. Knowing that very soon you’ll have lots of responsibilities.

9. Having to take iron tablets.

10. Feeling guilty every time you dye your hair because there’s a small possibility that it might be potentially harmful to the baby.

11. Boobs being all weird, ugly and lactatey.

12. Having to worry about money more.

13. Cravings... Usually on Sunday evenings when the shops are closed.

14. Not being able to walk very far without being all uncomfortable.

15. Militant lactivists condemning you because you don’t think you really want to breastfeed.

16. Having to make so many decisions. Boob or bottle? Reusable or disposable nappies? Which pram? What name? Etc...

17. Worrying about everything to do with the birth... from the pain to potential poopingness.

18. Needing to pee like a zillion times during the night... and during the day, but only at inappropriate times.

19. People giving you advice you never asked for all the time... I don’t care if I could buy lots of second hand clothes to save money... He’s a new person, so he can have new clothes!

20. Seeing the number on the scales go up every time you weigh yourself... I weigh a stone and a half more than I did at the beginning of the year! >.<

21. People saying stuff like ‘you have a very neat bump’... What the fuck does that even mean?!

22. Militant lactivists condemning you because you think you don't want to breastfeed.

23. Having to make so many decisions... Boob or bottle? Reusable or disposable nappies? Which pram? What name? etc.

24. Worrying about everything to do with the birth... From the pain to potential poopingness!

25. Needing to pee like a zillion times during the night...and during the day, but only at inappropriate times.

26. People giving you advice you never asked for all the time... I don't care if that's how you did something- I'm going to do it my way!

27. Seeing the number on the scales go up every time you weigh yourself... I weigh a stone and a half more than I did at the beginning of the year! >.<

28. People saying stuff like ‘you have a very neat bump’... What the fuck does that even mean?!

29. Getting hairier... I swear I’m turning into a gorilla!

30. Worrying about potential constipation, piles and other icky stuff and doing everything possible to prevent it.

31. Backache.

32. Random pains in places you never even knew existed.

33. Not being able to shave legs properly.

34. Googling EVERYTHING and consequently unnecessarily worrying about things you wouldn’t even know about if you hadn’t googled too much.

35. Not being able to bite your toenails.

36. Legs going numb all the way from the toes to the fanny... such a weird sensation.

37. Not being able to see much below your bellybutton without a mirror.

38. Urine samples... Luckily my midwife usually lets me pee on a stick instead of peeing into a little pot... but it’s still pee related!

39. People asking the same questions over and over again... What is it? It’s A FUCKING BABY!

40. The belly getting in the way of everything... usually resulting in silly situations like getting stuck under the table in the pub.

41. Being overly emotional and crying at films like High School Musical 3.

42. ‘Pregnancy brain’... I thought I was forgetful and a wee bit dumb BEFORE I was pregnant, but now it’s just getting ridiculous!

43. Not being able to eat sandwiches in shops because of the mayonnaise in them... I didn’t like mayonnaise before, but knowing I’m not allowed to eat it makes me want to eat it!

44. Wind... Not the outsidey, weather y kind!

45. The feeling of feet getting stuck in ribs or whatever it actually is.

46. Being told not to do things... HELLOOOO! My guitar is NOT too heavy to lift and I CAN clean out the degu cage without getting toxoplasmosis because you get it from CAT SHIT!

47. Not being able to go in mosh pits and stuff.

48. Being told off by the Wii fit for putting on weight.

49. Finding it difficult to tie shoelaces.

50. Your sense of smell being almost as good as that of a dog... All the gross smells smell a million times worse!

51. Having bigger boobs... Seriously, I thought my boobs were too big BEFORE I got pregnant!

52. Knowing that in a few weeks you’ll have to push a human out of your vagina... That can’t feel nice... and people will be looking there and stuff lol!

53. Not being able to get comfortable... especially in bed... Sleeping on the belly is impossible and sleeping on the back makes it hard to breathe.

54. Being either way too hot or way too cold.

55. Knocking things over with the belly... Notably, the beer of a random stranger.

56. Not being able to go on planes... Not that I have any reason to or even have a passport, but it’d be nice to have the option!

57. Worrying when the baby doesn’t move for a few hours and then getting kicked so hard it kinda hurts.

58. Headaches... I don’t get them much anymore, but a couple of months ago I’d quite regularly wake up with headache coolifying strips stuck to the side of my face or in my hair!

59. Having no sense of balance.

60. People making bitchy comments about names you like.

61. Not getting all the gel off you after an ultrasound.

62. Finding yourself buying pregnancy magazines instead of Kerrang!

63. Nails growing freakishly fast.

64. Not being able to plan anything super-fun during the month the baby is due.

65. People giving you evil looks when you walk up to a bar.

66. The waddle... Sometimes you end up walking like a constipated penguin.

67. The bump feeling super heavy, as though someone had injected lead into your belly.

68. Having to wait almost 10 months for it to be over... I don’t know why people say you’re pregnant for 9 months, 40 weeks is more like 10!

69. The fact that thinking of 69 bad things is way too easy!


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