Ways to speed it up

I know people say the baby will come when he's ready, but I need him out of me as soon as possible. After extensive research (well, googling and asking people) I have decided to use as many different ways to kick start labour as possible. Sex is not an option and I'd feel too weird sitting here stimulating my own nipples, but I'm gonna try pretty much everything else.
I plan to go on a longish walk or something this afternoon. When I get back I will clean the windows (not seen that method mentioned anywhere online but as both my grandmother and mother suggested it, I guess it's worth a try). I will drink more raspberry leaf tea (might help things along I suppose). I'm going to sit cross legged on the floor as much as possible (my auntie suggested it and she's had like a zillion kids so i'll take her word for it). I'll get my grandfather to drive along a dead bumpy road with me in the car (if that fails I'll just get on a bus to somewhere bumpy). I'll eat hoobloads of spicy food too. If none of those things work, I'll just start doing something I really want to do and finish... That should certainly ensure I go into labour.

I'm starting to think I'm not actually pregnant and I just have some sort of weird disease that makes me swell up.

If anyone has any suggestions of anything else I can do to help, please suggest. I need stuff to happen!